ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
