i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Randomize
