Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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