i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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