this is something i pride myself on being below average for
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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