I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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