I wanna passion pit in your ass
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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