That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
