I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
