But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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