seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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