you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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