Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
