This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
