White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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