I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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