This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
