My sheets look like a crime scene.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
