i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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