I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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