Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
