Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
