Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
