Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
only you would photoshop your dick
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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