ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
