If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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