I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He felt like a one man threesome
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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