how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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