I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My liver just had a heart attack.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Randomize
