I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I have post one night stand depression
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