I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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