aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
