I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
