I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
