I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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