im six kinds of drunk right now
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
