is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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