She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
