the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
