we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
