I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
