You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
