I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
