I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
