they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
