Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I looked at my own cervix.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
