I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
