The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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