Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
