im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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