Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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