onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
